December 2000, Christmas is rough. My grandfather loved the season, and I always miss him the most during this time of year. Christmas was spent with my in-laws. My husband of course ignores me, and spends all his time with his family and doesn’t pay attention. He is more interested in his Play Station 2. I find myself working at my first job post college, for an Architecture firm, and I’m struggling as my husband is unemployed for the 6 months after we moved to Portland, Oregon. I was supporting us, with job. He was however, out on his mountain bike, riding trails, hanging out, playing nothing more than computer games. He wasn’t even trying to find a job.
He was living off of me. At that point, we had started growing apart. I found my way into the chat room, because I was lonely over Christmas, and he was playing video games. I found Rosie, as I called her due to the rosie nature in her cheeks. We argued lyrics, and whether Jon or Richie was better. Debated the merits of each style of writing and music. It was such a fun night, hours passed. Rosie and I began chatting past Backstage and privately through MSN messenger and AOL. I told her about my birthday wish and that I was finally going to see my first Bon Jovi Show, on April 21, 2001. She was so happy for me. Told me to have a good time and that we’d chat when I got home.
But before I could go to the show, I was fi red from my first job, due to a lack of experience. Talk about shock. I went from being the bread winner, to not being able to get Unemployment because of my contract, it was a W-4 not a W2. I lived for the Bon Jovi concert. I saved and spent my money for that show. I got all my favorite songs, and really related. Because I was living on a prayer, and had left my 2 story town, and was sticking to my guns, and still holding on to my secret dreams, while never loosing faith, and believing in myself. A month later, Bon Jovi released, “One Wild Night.”
September 11, 2001, a day that will live forever in our collective memory. I was on my way to work, at Stream, to complete my Adobe training, when news first broke on the radio that a plane had hit the World Trade Center in New York City. I remember we were all gathered in the training room, scrambling for any type of TV / radio to find out what the hell was happening as more people arrived, we heard that a second plane had hit the other tower. I worked in a call center, so calls were coming in to the various contracts. I remember, everyone shouting that first tower had collapsed, then the second tower collapsed. I called home, and my husband answered, the phone and said you’re not going to believe this but the World Trade Center, was hit by 2 air planes, and another one was in route to Philadelphia, and the pentagon was hit. I remember we were all in shock. We found an
portable radio, and turned it the news. I was worried about Rosie, who lived in New Jersey. I was worried about my band, and just felt sick for all the innocent people who died that day, for the thousands, who did nothing more than get up and go to work, kiss their loved ones goodbye never knowing they wouldn’t be returning.
Rosie lost her best friend in the fi rst tower, Her name was Ming, and she worked on the 86th Floor. We’ve determined that she did not know what happened, but it did not make Rosie’s’ pain any better or easier. However, for Rosie, things got tough. At the end of December, things took a bit of a nose dive, Rosie’s 4 year old daughter passed from cancer. Rosie had her buried with the afghan I sent the few months prior cause I felt this child would love it. She did. Then my college roommate, lost her husband on New Years Eve, and Rosie’s daughter died the day before. Times were blue and dark. I wasn’t thinking about myself. I was thinking about what I could do to help those closest to me. How I could help them deal with their personal loss. For Rosie, I found more power and energy with Something For The Pain and Something To Believe In. But to help her with the anger I pointed out Hey God.
Rosie was also pregnant at that time with twin girls. I did what I thought was best. Without thinking of myself, I spent hours just talking to her. I reassured her that life was worth living, and not to hate God because he took her baby girl away, that she was being given a miracle. With Susan, my college roommate, I supported her decision to move and made sure she was doing OK. I oft en chatted with her about her loss and helped her find hope again. I encouraged her. In the brief time, knowing her husband, that he would want her happy.
Moving into 2002 what a year- as Jon said- Get Ready, the year of Bon Jovi.
January passed fairly smoothly, until I got the call, that my Uncle Charlie was dying and he would live past my birthday. In February, after passing the test for my Adobe certification, I got the call. My Uncle Charlie had died. That was probably one of the most devastating calls. My half sister was shaken badly. She called me as I was on my way home from work, cause I had turned my cell off that day. That was one of the longest 25 mile drive I ever made until I reached home, and wept openly. I told my Rosie, then my husband came home. I called work so I had the next day off . Spent the night on the phone trying to make arrangements for me to afford to fly back to Virginia for the funeral.
Dad steps back out and into my life at this point. He managed to get my uncle to pay for his ticket, and then he called me- for the first time in 2 and half years to ask me if I could come out for the funeral. He then said he’s remarried, and that his new wife would like to meet Michelle and I. Dad told me to ask my Uncle Jimmy for the money for the airfare. I was so furious, with this man, who couldn’t afford his own ticket and was telling me, to use my uncle for money. I could not afford to go, and I called my godmother and let her know and had her explain my reasons to my grandmother. I was planning to attend that funeral to pay my resects to a great man, and for my grandmother’s sake no one else’s, but I did not have the money to go.
Rosie had her twins in Feb. 2002. She named one after me, Sambora Anne, and Rosie Christine. Both are healthy little girls. As time passed and the pain healed. I had some problems at work / job performance issues. We’ve all been there. Course, things really started looking up when I bought my plane tickets, and I flew 3000 to meet my best friend in person, that I had met online, in a Bon Jovi fan club chat room. I mean we chat every night, call each other daily almost. I was finally in New Jersey. I had made it to Bon Jovi land. We had a great time, and saw some of the bands old haunts including exits for Red Bank, Stony Pony, Asbury Park, Lucky Leos which was where most of 7800 Fahrenheit videos were filmed. The band unfortunately was out of the country promoting their latest
release, Bounce. And this die hard fan- has yet to fulfi ll that dream.
October of this year, My sister Michelle, finally gets married to the high school sweet heart, and
Bounce is released.
Michelle and Brand’s wedding: October, 21, 2002.
I love Bounce. It’s given me peace, hope, pride as an American. I’m proud of Bon Jovi and as they celebrate 20
years in 2003, I’ll be sitting front row at the Portland, Oregon, in April. Th ere will be an update aft er that show.
I have never given up the hope of meeting the band, and I have a return trip planned to visit my best friend in
September 2003. Once again in New Jersey. Who knows, dreams do come true,if you believe in them and want
them bad enough.
Th ere’s a train out in the distance, destination still unknown Feb. 3, 2003
Aft er seeing the band live in Las Vegas in 2001, I became hooked and moved Richie Sambora fi rmly into the
place of being my favorite member of the band. While I haven’t mentioned Undiscovered Soul, it’s because I didn’t
have the album until 2 years ago. I have yet to see Richie Sambora, on tour. I will not being missing the next one
that comes through town. Don’t get me wrong, Jon is still a close second but Rich captured my imagination
while Jon had my youth, Rich has planted himself fi rmly in my soul with songs including Falling From Grassland,
Harlem Rain, Made In America, and Hard Times Come Easy. Rosie loves him a great deal and her story will be
shared shortly written in her own words. His great songs, which helped me through my dark times last year with
the death of my Uncle Charlie, include Th e Answer, Father Time, and One Light Burning. With the support of my
best friend Rosie, together we survived a year full of ups and downs.
April 25, 2003
Time sure can fl y when things are just moving right along. I have seen Bon Jovi, April 14th 2003. Wow! Th ey can
blow a girl away. Richie’s riff s and Jon’s emotion truly give new meaning to the Undivided, and Th e Distance. Th e
sheer emotion he puts into those songs, spoke to my heart, and to my soul. I felt like he was singing directly to
me. Th ose are probably my two favorite songs off the new album Bounce. Now, Th e last update was just a brief
summary of everything major that happened in my life. Th is one contains the real story.
Back in September 2002, I made my very fi rst journey to New Jersey. I fi nally got to hang out with my best friend
in the world, Rosie. We met online in the Backstage with Jon Bon Jovi Fan Club chat room, a little over 2 years
ago. She’s a real Jersey Girl. Now this is a woman I admire, and have nothing but the utmost respect for. She is
a survivor. She’s been through hell and back, more times than most people can even imagine, and she’s only 25
years old. She survived the most horrifi c child abuse you can imagine, and to the furthest extreme. She survived
being a hooker, she worked her way through NYU. She is now a professional photographer, and respected in her
fi eld. She is also an artist. I have helped her face some of her worst nightmares, and now as she struggles with
bulimia, and severe depression, I am there for her. I have never met someone so youthful, yet so determined to
survive. She is a great inspiration to me and to everyone she meets.
Rosie is helping me to see how to be true to myself. She helped me not be afraid of being a kid, and letting
my inner child out. Th at is one of my largest and hardest things I have to deal with. Even though she’s now in
therapy, She’s willing to take on this burden to help me get over this past hurdle. Together, we use the music of
Bon Jovi to inspire, encourage, and heal us. We use the music to show us hope and that the world may be a big
Page 24
bad place, but we are part of it and we can make a diff erence. Over the course of many years, it becomes habit to
insert a favorite lyric when trying to inspire someone. We oft en do this and smile because it gives us such great
hope and such great strength. Who ever said the power of music can’t work miracles. Well now, as about a month
ago, my Great Aunt Rachel was diagnosed with Lung Cancer, and now mom is diagnosed with Diabetes.
August 2003
I missed my ten year high school reunion due to these Bon Jovi shows. Th ey meant more to me and they were
my birthday present from myself. Rosie and I just attended our fi rst Bon Jovi concerts together. I fi nally saw the
band playing at Giants Stadium, New Jersey. What a great time we had. We were completely soaking wet the
fi rst night because it rained, the more comments Jon made about the rain- the harder it rained. Th e second night
- it was beautiful but muggy. I thought I was melting. We had fl oor seating. So we could see the band and they
weren’t ants, since I was in section 14 both nights. Th e fi nal night at Giants, Rosie was in Section 5 right in front
of Richie, I believe she was in row 5. I was in Section 10, about 16 rows back but had moved up with the crow
into the aisle. Th ings at home aren’t going so smoothly. My husband wasn’t happy I went to Giants. He was going
off the Las Vegas on his annual “Bike Trade Show” at the beginning of October. He’s never home when I’m home,
and when we are -he’s either sleeping or I am. I’m now questioning my marriage, this trip for Giants, really made
me realize just how at home, I felt in New Jersey. I felt that my husband didn’t miss me, doesn’t much show any
interest in anything that I am or want to do. I feel that we’ve grown apart and are more friends than man and
wife. As for Rosie, she’s slipped back down. She’s now doing battle to see the light. She’s depressed, and suicidal.
She feels that her life is just unfair and that it will never get better.
In my minds eye, I envision the stories ,I hear in Th e Distance, Blood on Blood, Keep the Faith. I use these to
help me fi nd a reason to believe. My job, well I’m actively hunting for a job that won’t make me the sarcastic
pessimist that I have become. I want a job that won’t be sucking the life out of me. Luckily I have Rosie, she gives
me laughter and a diff erent perspective on things. Truly, when I need her, she’s by my side. Day or night, she’s
there for me. We are truly the characters in both Th e Distance and Blood on Blood.
August 21st, 2003
3 weeks aft er the Bon Jovi Show.
Saturday Morning.
I received sad news from my half sister. My grandmother (Rosie) is in the hospital and she’s very sick. Dad is
missing to my knowledge, has not been located. I am struggling to accept my grandmother’s impending death
I turn inwards to fi nd the strength and Rosie. Rosie helped me deal with all that is going on in my rapid , ever
changing, stressful life. Life moves on. I have pulled out all my Bon Jovi cds. I fi nd comfort and refuge in the
music. I watched An Evening with Bon Jovi, because I needed to hear the Keep Th e Faith stuff . Today as I sit here
at work writing, Something To Believe In is running through my mind. I prayed for the strength to get through
the facts of my marriage will be ending as I have grown and fi nd that it is not healthy. It’s not hurting me but
it saddens the me to realize you’ve made a mistake. True my heart is breaking with the knowledge that the one
good aspect of my early years is going to be leaving this world. I worry about loosing Rosie as she is so very sick
and suicidal. I never worry about myself. Maybe that makes me crazy maybe it doesn’t but I know that within my
heart I can do whatever I need to survive. I’ve been taking care of me for so many years that it’s not usual. I am
oft en alone except for a few close friends and they all know who they are
August 27th,2003
What a week to say the least. I got the call at work Friday morning around 7-7:30 from my husband letting me
know that Grandma Rosie had passed at 2:15 am. I spent another 2 hours at work trying to get the OK to leave I
was distraught and hurting. I managed to hold back tears but that had to be one of the hardest things I have ever
done. I knew on Th ursday that she would be leaving us. I remember clearly sitting here at work, closing my eyes,
Page 25
and telling her goodbye in my heart, and in my head.
All this while it hit me, and I realized that this was the same week I lost my grandfather about 6 years ago. Dad
is still missing. He left on Aug. 16th, destined for Virginia Beach, Virginia. We have not yet been able to fi nd
him, and no one has heard from him. On Friday, once I got home, my husband was in bed, I walked into the
room, and asked him for a hug. He laid there and gave me a hug, fell asleep, and said I’m here for you. At that
point I get up and call mom, call Michelle, and my grandmother. I went to lay down around noon and he was
just getting up for the day. He went out to get fi tted for suit for a wedding he is in, and to get his driver license
reinstated aft er a DUI conviction..
H is father called, to let us know that he was in town. I let him know about grandmother. We went out for dinner,
with this father and his new wife, Jane. Ross went without me, to his family reunion on Saturday in Corvallis,
about 3 hours away. I stayed home completely alone. He didn’t bother to call me once in two days that he was
gone. My husband was really there for me right? Warning bells should have been going off at this point for
me. In the meantime, Rosie was there for me. She kept me distracted, listened to me. Th en my Aunt puts me in
middle of her family feud with mom and grandma. I called and talked to my Uncle Jimmy. He then precedes to
tell me just how much money my father has stolen from Grandma Rosie, roughly $125,000. Dad is missing, the
last lead received was one form a guy he was staying with that said don’t be surprised if he shows up dead in the
desert, because at the time Dad was living in Las Vegas, Nevada.
M eanwhile, Ross is off and having a good time with his family. I’m home alone, with my best friend in the world,
on the phone doing what she can to get me through this. I realized, that it was time to get out of a loosing battle.
In, 6 months I will be leaving my husband of 5 years, once that lease is up and I will be able to leave. It is time
for me to get the hell out and start thinking of me. I know cause I can feel it that dad is also gone but until I get
confi rmation I will not accept it. Rosie at that point had heard Ross screaming at me over the phone, threatening
my life. She was the only person he had not managed to cut me off from. My mother said get marriage
counseling. His father questioned, why he was never home when he called and if we were having problems. I
could not say anything. I was afraid. My husband, was verbally, emotionally, and fi nancially abusive. Maybe
because of wanting to escape my past, and fearing being alone, I rushed into something. I made a mistake one
that I will always regret but I got out with the help of Rosie no one else.
Sept.. 4, 2003
Well a week from now and I’ll be on my way to New Jersey. Taking a much needed and well deserved break from
the craziness that has been called my life the past month. Now,, I understand how my best friend Rosie feels. I
understand why she feels so out of control. Th is is part of the reason why I’m fl ying back out to spend the week
with her. Several close friends are praying that I can manage to reach her. I seem to the only person who can give
her a reason to live. We both need the support of the other as we can lean on our individual strengths. I need
to lean on her simply to fi nd some hope that I’m not some fool who has made some serious mistakes in her
life. While Rosie is needing the reassurance that she can survive and she has no reason to die but every reason
to live. Th is is going to be a trip that while stressful, on the emotional scale, will bring about an attitude change
and recharge the both of us. We both need each other. We will survive, because we are not alone, lyric from
Richie Sambora. I keep hearing You’re not Alone in my head, and Undivided and Th e Distance, Blood on Blood,
Damned, and Something to Believe In, of course adding in Keep the Faith. Only time will tell what the future
holds but seeing as how the world we live in is forever changing.. I’m scared of ending what I’ve known for the
past 10 years almost and starting over. I know it’s a new chapter in my life and a new challenge from which I can
grow and mature. B ut the pain of loosing my grandmother and having it happen so close to the anniversary of
Page 26
grandpa is just that dull ache. I’ve got a heavy heart.
S eptember 10, 2003
A day to refl ect as things and people change, life moves on, and we forget. Today is a day for me to remember,
and refl ect, on all those we lost on Sept.. 11, 2001. A time to remember how as a nation we came together to
support New York, and Washington DC. How we supported our troops as they left for that small unknown
county, Afghanistan. Now we have been fi ghting a war against terrorism, and things at home, have released, We
have gone to war once again against Saddem Hussein, and again we defeated him, offi cial ousting him out of his
control over the country of Iraq. Still at large would be Osma Bin Landen whom is the leader of the Tailban and
responsible for the terrorist attacks on Sept.. 11, 2001. I am once again heading back to New Jersey. I am heading
to see Rosie. Praying against all hope that there shall be no repeat incident from 2 years, of 9/11 as I will be fl ying
on September 11th, 2003. I can admit, I’m a bit nervous to be fl ying on September 11th, however I know that
in my heart it’s probably the safest time to fl y. Many mutual friends are praying that I can somehow manage to
work a miracle and fi nd a way to reach her in order to help keep her alive and give her some reason to live. She’s
been thrilled that I am coming to see her however disbelieving it until I actually call her from Newark Liberty
International Airport, saying I am on the ground and here.
O nce I arrive in New Jersey, the plans are simply to hang out, talk, help her fi nd her inner strength. Th e plans for
myself include fi nding peace, inner strength that I need to deal with all the stress,confusion, pain and various
other things spinning out of control within my life. I am struggling to keep my head on straight, not really
knowing which direction is the best to be traveling. I know that God will show me my path. I know that things
will get better, but it is hard to see past all the obstacles. And things life tends to throw you when you are down
in the dumps and sitting with the feeling that there is no escape. I oft en thought if I can laugh then I at least have
kept my sense of humor and my humility.
I still believe that there is good in this world. I still believe God has a plan for us all, be it obvious, whether we
are devout to our faith or not. I may not be a full practicing Roman Catholic, but I still believe in the power of
prayer, and in the power of God. I live, taking it one day at a time, treating others with respect, and showing
them how I would like to be treated, with respect. It is my hope that someday this belief, habit whatever you call
it, will begin to rub off on people. I hope to once again, see that more people care about more than the material
things in life, and care more about the people in this world. I believe that money truly cannot buy happiness, but
it does make it easier to do the things you enjoy the most. I always remember, to give back what has been given
to me, be it a smile, a kind word, any real random act of kindness. Lessons learned from this kid who grew up
fast and hard. I still have hope and I still believe that one person can make a diff erence in the life of another by a
kind word, by taking the time to be there, answering a question, and off ering a helping hand.
Th ese things are what I believe, and are a large part of who I am. I learned to believe these things from several
people I have looked up to, who inspired me. As a child, Bon Jovi members were considered my role models.
While my mom may have a diff erent religion, may drive me nuts with the new religion. I love her, and she has
always been a source of inspiration because she was strong enough to walk away from 2 bad marriages and
raise 2 kids alone, with the help of her parents. I look up to my best friend, Rosie, who like me, had it rough and
worse than I ever did. Rosie gives so much back to organizations like LifeBeat, to cancer charities, to a variety of
hospitals and hospices she visits. She is a person I wish I could be more like so giving and selfl ess. Rosie fails to
see her strong qualities that make her unique. Rosie sees herself as a loser, who doesn’t believe she has anything
worth living for and doesn’t know how to be a friend. Princess Diana, Mother Teresa, members of Bon Jovi, are
just a few of the more celebrities who oft en show how by just giving your time, impacts, makes a diff erence in
someone else’s life.
E ven in pain, confused, mixed up state that I am in, feeling very out of control and very scared. I know that
Page 27
things are changing are beyond my control for I am not controlling my destiny. I make a few choices and
continue down a path that was laid out for me several years ago. I’m drift ing along and fast approaching a major
fork in the road. I will be making a leap of faith that will forever change my life. I will always be who I am, but
this change will enable me to continue growing and maturing into the woman that I have become while leaving
behind the mistakes of youth. I guess by writing this I am being forced to acknowledge things and making my
head see what my heart has known for years. Now as I prepare for this trip which is supposed to be a life saving ,
rejuvenating trip for me, and somehow I must reach Rosie. I fi nd hope. I have fi nally fi gured out what it is. I just
need to believe that anything can and will happen, and that everything happens for a reason whether I agree with
the reason or not. I accept that life will throw me curves and I can only do my best to handle them. I am also
meeting those challenges off ered by life head on. I am no longer afraid to be who I am. I am fi nding a path to
know what it is I need make myself happy.
May 4 and 5, 2004
Time manages to get away from us all. Friends, family, work, diff erent people come into your life, people
leave just as quickly,some having an impact on you. Every person you meet leaves you some of their wisdom,
advice,or just a little bit of a piece of them behind to do with as you choose. Th is happens whether or not you
liked the person to begin with. Lessons are to be learned from all people you meet and greet. Each person off ers
something diff erent, new perspective on or about your life. Th ese people oft en show you, a new perspective to
a new or diffi cult situation. I have sad and hard news to report. Figments of my childhood are now breaking
through my memory. It is scary. I recalled, I had been badly abused as a child. I was abused sexually by my step
father and possibly a friend of his. Th is began when I was about 8 years old. I remember I was caught for reading
in bed with a fl ashlight aft er I was told lights out. I was reading some animal adventure book. I had the radio
turned down low. Now the details are sketchy and very hard for me to express and I have not yet been able to
express them vocally. I am dealing with the pain though slowly and I have only told Rosie, as she pushed me to
tell her what was wrong one night.
I live in fear everyday of my life because the man who was supposed to love me, and cherish has turned into a
monster. He’s scaring me. I fear for my life. I have been living in an abusive situation far too long. It’s really gotten
completely crazy the past year. I am desperately seeking a new place to live. Something that I can actually aff ord
to move into. I am even looking into a roommate situation. I don’t know what has happened that I should always
have to be the one who suff erers so much over the years. My mother turns a deaf ear, to my pain as a child, while
she knowingly allows my step father to sexually assault me for years. Meanwhile in her own way she also abused
me verbally and emotionally. It’s a miracle I graduated from high school, without trouble, but then again I lived
in a small town. In college, I met this freak that I am now married to. I know that I have little to no self esteem.
I doubt everything I say, almost everything that I do. I’m not even certain who I can trust. I’m not sure I can
believe in myself or trust my own judgement. I have been that badly abused, battered and knocked for the past
10 years by this man who I married in June 1998, but we began dating in January of 2004.
I am in the fi ght for my life. I have accepted, hard as it is, and it kills me to know that I have to part with
everything but what I can stuff into my car. I will be embarking on a new life. I will be fi ling for divorce. I pray
every day that my old Honda holds up long enough for me to get away from him. I can remain employed and get
the hell out of dodge. I am very scared. I jump at the blink of an eye. I’m edgy. I suff er from depression, and a few
other things at least to according to some of the online tests that I have taken. I face a lifetime of being alone.
My mother’s response to my cry for help, “join the church they can help you rebuild your self esteem.” She
said,” I’m not trying hard enough to save my marriage. I’m not giving him enough time. I’m not doing enough
for him. I’m not doing this and this. I should go out of my way to help and support him.” My sister cut me out
of her life the day I graduated from high school. Th ere’s no one who can help me. My best friend is 3,000 miles
Page 28
away, in New Jersey. Rosie was supporting me the best she could over the phone. Knowing I have my plane
tickets already bought. I can rest and know I’ll at least see her for 10 days in September. God knows I deserve a
vacation and a chance to relax and unwind without any grief for being myself.
Do I have any clue what will make me happy? Do I even know myself any more ? Probably not. It’s been so long
since I have been treated nicely, genuinely liked and respected that I don’t know how to handle it. I’m going
crazy from his abuse. He’s driving me completely crazy, causing me to doubt everything I do. In the mean time,
I have had friends come and go just as quickly from my life. I just don’t understand why I have to be the one
who always seems to be on the loosing end of just about everything I do. I’m frustrated with being alone, being
unloved, and downright fed up with not even knowing who the hell I am.
May 13, 2004
I have been working very hard, struggling to make heads or tales from my life. Rosie and I are fi ghting because
while she had it bad growing up, I feel that she’s not accepting my pain, my confusion, and with my being
responsible she’s implying that I’m doing things to avoid her which is not true. I have to keep my job in order
to live. I will survive. I am afraid of being trapped in my marriage,because if I stay, he’ll kill me. I live with that
kind of fear everyday. Parting is such sweet sorrow, well that’s how it will be with the cats. I can take the cockatiel
Baby, with me so I won’t be completely alone.
May 16th, 2004
How much more pain can I possibly take. I’m only human. Oh God, I hurt so much. I feel like my skin crawls.
Th ere’s no joy in my life. Th ings I used to enjoy are boring and mundane. Nothing seems to make me happy.
I’m hurt because I’m trapped. No one can help me out of this nightmare. Rosie is stuck, does what little she can.
Mom forget it. Th at woman is another planet. I can’t have a vacation? Good God, I’m going crazy. My vacation is
wrong? I’m supposed to join some church and let that fi x the marriage, with all the abuse. Somehow it’s become
all about my not being an adult? My not being able to responsible. My not trying hard enough. My being selfi sh!
I just don’t get what it is, I have done so very wrong in my life to warrant such hate from the people who are
supposed to love me. What have I done other than being alive? I really don’t know. I can’t even talk to them
about my feelings, what’s going in my life. No one seems to be interested or give a damn about how I am. It’s like
I’m in prison for having feelings, for not being able to deal with them all alone. I have learned that lesson far
to well. I’ll just bury it and withdraw more into myself at least now I can’t keep getting hurt. I won’t take it any
more. I wonder if it’s even possible for someone to love me. No one wants to deal with me, no one wants to take
a chance to get to know me. It’s weird. I’m destined to be “everyone’s friend” but never to be anyone’s soul mate,
never have the love that someone will do anything for me.
I feel so old, like I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes, yet I’m 30 years old. I feel lost and alone. I feel like there’s no way
out of this dark realm that I have stumbled into. I feel abandoned, that no one can fi nd me, much less hear me.
I’m haunted by what could have been. I’m haunted by my past. I’m afraid to sleep because the memories keep
coming back. I’m afraid to be awake, because I won’t know what is going on. I don’t know who I am, and he’ll
ignore me, discount everything I say and feel. My husband he ignores me, hates me, belittles me, and holds me
accountable for each dime we don’t have. I have no life. I have no family and my friends have dropped like fl ies.
What is so very wrong with me that makes me unlikable, unlovable, and downright disrespected? What have I
done in my life to deserve this? Please God, Isn’t there anything I can do to make it all just go away. I want more
than a simple request. I just want peace, to be happy. I want to be loved for who I am. Th at’s it. I want all my pain,
hurt, sorrow, anger, and everything to just leave me alone already. I’ve paid my dues isn’t there anything good in
this world for me?
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I feel that I’m meant to suff er. I just keep giving more of myself away. I keep getting hurt along the way. I’m tired
of hurting. I’m tired of living in fear, and living in pain. I’m tired of being sick. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired
of being jumpy. I’m tired of second guessing myself. I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of being rejected. I’m tired
of hearing let’s just be friends. I’m really tired of not knowing who the hell I am. I’m tired of not being able to do
something, and know in my heart I made the right choice. I hate it. I hate who I have become. My husband has
done it. He’s gotten away with it. If I can somehow fi nd some part of me that’s left , then maybe I know I’ll be able
to walk away in July. I am bearing the weight of the world of my shoulders. Th ere’s no one I can turn to for help,
no one understands me. I don’t know what else I can do or say. I am hurting more than anyone can ever know
or ever fully comprehend. I still have hope, why I don’t know but it’s there. I can’t completely give up everything
because that means he’s won and I refuse to let him win.
Don’t I have a right to be happy and healthy. I honestly need a way to get out of this nightmare. I’m hurting so
badly. Th ere is nothing to make me smile. It’s a rare occasion. My eyes are dull with the pain. It’s like I’m slowly
dying because of my living situation. Like previously stated, in this story people come and go from my life. Some
leave lasting impressions others leave scars. Knowing what I do about people, I fear being alone, because I know
that in my heart, It will be a very long time before I fi nd that someone who was meant for me. I’ve been through
hell and back. I’m back in hell again, only to believing this time, somewhere out there someone is looking for me.
Without that tiny piece of hope, I’ll never make it through this dark cloud that I’m under. I can’t seem to shake
the blues. I’m hurting everyone who is close to me.
I’m short tempered, snapping, and I can’t seem to help myself. I just don’t know what to do. I know that I can’t
get counseling because I’m still living with him. I won’t do it. It’s not worth it, hearing over and over again, how I
need to leave him. He’s toxic for me. I know this all already. I just wish to god someone could tell me something
good. I’m hurting all the time. I keep getting hurt. What is it going to take for this to go away?
My childhood is fl ashing back clearer. I can’t even think about those days. Th at pain is there on top of the fact
I have accepted my father is dead. He has not been found. No one seems to worry how that aff ected me. By
the way you haven’t dealt with your step father’s abuse. You need therapy. Th at’s what my mother told me. I feel
betrayed because even my own family appear to have written me off . Nice life don’t come crying to us because
you can’t handle it, but you had best be there and ready to help when we need you. Who the hell knows what I
am supposed to do. No one seems to be able to answer that question. Th e only thing they say how very sorry they
are I have a dysfunctional family, sorry that the man who’s supposed to love, honor and cherish me doesn’t, sorry
that he’s mean to me. Enough feeling sorry for myself already. I don’t want your pity. I don’t need it. One thing
people have yet to realize about me, I can take care of myself. I have been doing so since I was about 6 years old.
August 1, 2004.
I am in the mood to write. I feel it’s time perhaps to let out what I have been hiding even from my closest friends.
My own fears, my insecurities, my deepest pains, hurts, and lost dreams, empty hopes things causing me stress
and worry. I begin here because I don’t know what else to do. I hurt so much any more I just don’t know how to
deal with it. I don’t know how to keep my head on my shoulders. Everywhere I turn is some reminder of what
I had hoped to achieve by this point in my life. Everywhere are reminders of mistakes made, lost and forgotten
dreams. I can’t seem to overcome this depression that has settled in. I want more than anything in my life,
to know that I am truly loved. I have done things that made a diff erence. I will have someone who can truly
understand me and who isn’t afraid of my past, someone who’ll be there for me.
I came to that conclusion aft er realizing what a mistake I made when getting married in 1998. Th ings between
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him and I are a farce. Th ere is no love for me. Only abuse, disgust, and jealousy, because I have friends, and am
respected outside of my home. I just don’t know what I am to do. I feel blue. I want it all to end yet am powerless
to see it end. I feel helpless because I can’t seem to change my own fate. I feel that nothing will ever go right for
me. I have made a few good friends whom stand by my side while I suff er through this.
A crossroad is the point I have reached in my long 30 years I have been on this planet. Who knows what life
holds before us. I know I don’t. I know that because of this chaos I live in, that I seriously have no belief that
anyone can love me, or want me, that nothing will work for me. I lack of confi dence in myself, my abilities, and
what I can or can’t do. I fear being alone in my life. I know that enjoy being around people. My fear is probably
what helped me to ignore the warning signs that I was making a mistake. I so wanted to believe that someone
would love me until the end of time, someone would support me, and always be there for me, and make me feel
like the most important person in the world.
I was wrong. I feel oft en at times, I can’t trust my own judgment, how I’m reading people any more. I’m afraid
to let people see the real me. I fear to let people see how intelligent I really am. I fear being myself sometimes
because when I’m myself, bad things happen because as a whole I feel that no one is able to handle or accept the
real person that I am. I don’t even know my own heart or my own desires any more. I have lost so much of myself
trying to be what everyone else wanted or needed that I don’t even know who I am any more.
Is it so wrong I wonder, to want only the simplest things in life? I mean, my heart desires the smallest of things.
I want someone to share my life with whom will in turn share his life with me. I want children in my life. I want
a dog or two. I want a house with a big yard. I want to have friends over during the holidays, and family bbq’s. I
want music and movies. I want to be loved with such passion that I will never doubt in my life that this person
loves me for who I am, and all that entails. I want a job that I truly enjoy that’s not just a paycheck.
Truly such simple things one should be able to achieve. Instead, I have married too young. All I have to show for
what I’ve done this far in my life, is a failed marriage, emotional / verbal abuse for the past 8 years. I was abused
emotionally and sexually by my step father yet my own mother refuses to believe that this happened.
My family on the other hand is the other reason why I’m hurting so very badly. No one wants to help me. Every
one of them wants me to go back to the church, let the church help me. Well I have not lost my faith in God, I
don’t attend services regularly but that does not mean I am not any less a Catholic than the rest of them. In fact
my own mother said they can help you but I will not help you. My mother is a Mormon, and she is not willing
to help me. I told her fi nally about the abuse that my step father infl ected upon me when I was 8 years old; mom
said I don’t think you have your head on enough and you need therapy. She did not believe me. Funny, I don’t
know how I could make up about that? Why in god’s name would I lie about being abused? I allowed him to
assault me in order to protect my sister.
I am not sleeping any more. I fear dreaming because I see my attacker in my dreams. I feel him touching me
sometimes. I can hear his voice in my head. I hurt daily because of my lost dreams, failed marriage, lost love,
and because I am not happy. I want the pain to stop. I want so very much just to fi nd what I need to make my
life complete. I miss being human, I miss being able to do things, and people actually appreciate me and respect
me in all aspects. I have never though how badly I miss being around people who actually seem to give a damn
about me.
My grandmother will only help aft er I leave her condition “it’s not to go to my vacation”. She fears people are aft er
her money. So I have no where I can turn, no where I can go. I have to sit here and suff er endlessly until I can
make it happen all by myself. I have a few good and very dear friends whom give their support yet are not close
Page 31
enough to help. It pains me to hear how very sorry they are for me, how they would like to be able to help but are
unable to. I have people around me who are concerned and off er advice but understand why I am stuck.
Th e system sucks. I have a job, and I make money therefore there is no help from the state to leave this
nightmare, no assistance for getting myself the treatment that I need. My head spins and I know nothing about
who I am or what is real some days. I can’t fi gure out which way is up or down all I know is that I’m depressed
and never knowing where I am going.
I feel that I will never be happy. I’ll never kids. I will never fi nd love like that everlasting love stories are written
about. Oft en times I doubt I’ll ever make enough money to get myself out of this debt I have hanging over my
head in order to make ends meet. I feel that as if anytime I can be homeless.
I don’t understand why everyone around me is happy, successful and has love in their lives. I wish so much and
I pray for the strength to be happy for them though in my heart I desire everything that they have I want to be
normal.
I am not a jealous person and I’m happy for those around me, but it makes me bitter sweet to see them with
everything I desire, achieving what I want to achieve in my life. I am just so very tired of hurting. I’m tired
of hearing “I’m sorry Hun for your pain. I wish there was something I could do.” I know my friends love and
respect me. Th ey tell me oft en enough. I struggle to keep faith that things will turn around. Th at I will ever
be happy and fi nd what it is that I need to make my life complete. I’m searching and I’m not old enough to be
calling this a mid life crisis. Perhaps it’s the anniversary of the death of my beloved grandfather and grandmother
coming up that has me feeling so very down in the dumps. I wish I knew what to do to ease this pain I feel. I
don’t cry I just hurt all the time, like my heart is shattered and it never will be whole again. I feel at times as if
there is no sunshine inside me, no reason for joys any happiness. I know I am rambling but I have to get this out
of me whether or not anyone will read this I have to get this out. I can’t live this way much more.
Lately I have been haunted by images in my sleep, fl ashes of things I don’t recall happening.
I fear more fl ashes of my childhood I don’t want to remember him. I’m afraid of him, and I fear what he has
made me. I fear myself sometimes. I fear that I am some kind of freak and that I am not worthy of having any
normal relationship or normal person to love me, want me, or hold me. I hide myself and my deepest desires and
dreams because if they should see the light of day I’ll be laughed at. No one will know what it is that long for no
one can understand, what it is that I am, what I have suff ered, and why I am what I am.
I don’t know what it is that I have done to deserve this hell, why I am hated by my family, why the man who’s
supposed to love me for the rest of my life doesn’t and why no one is willing to help me. I don’t know what it is
that I have done what crime I may have committed to deserve this. But my heart hurts. I hurt. I want to be loved
for once in my life. I want to matter to someone.
My family only wants me, when they need something. I’m the one who has to keep the peace and be the adult.
I’m the one who can’t feel, or hurt or need anything. I’m the one who has to be strong, who has to hold the family
together.
God forgive me but I want no part of them any more. When I need help the most, and I reached out – I was told
no, you’re not trying hard enough, you’re not doing this right, or that. I so resent being told that I am wrong, and
I am stupid.
My family isn’t proud of me, or anything that I have accomplished, hell they don’t even know that I hold 6
Page 32
certifi cations. Th ey don’t care, that I graduated from college with a degree. Th ey don’t know what I majored in or
how I struggled with 3 jobs, and worked through college while attending school full time. Th ey don’t take into
consideration that I’m tired, that he is draining what I have left of my strength.
Do heroes really exist any more? Are there men of such character to rescue ladies in distress? I don’t believe in
fairy tales. I know there is no white knight to save me. I have learned through my life that I must take care of
myself. People of this caliber just don’t exist, much as I want the love and romance I read, it’s not reality. Th e
world is a very ugly place, and I must make changes to save myself because in this day and age, no one looks
out for anyone but themselves any more. I’ve reached this conclusion aft er all the hell I’ve been through, and
witnessed fi rst hand, by contacting these agencies that are to help women in need. I don’t even qualify for that I
am so screwed up for even getting out of this hell it’s not funny because I mannered to graduate college, because I
have a job, because I’m not pregnant or have kids. I can’t get any help from anyone. I make just enough to not be
poor, but not enough to get out where my life is endangered out. Truly, I wonder at times, why God hates me so
much that he makes me suff er.
I’ll never know the answers to my questions but it ways on my mind, keeping me depressed, feeling out of sorts,
and always wanting and never having what it is that I desire, the love of someone who will die to make me happy
to protect me, and give me what it is that I need in my life.
Annie
Aug. 1, 2004
Age 30.
Well again, another night comes and passes in this life I call hell, for now that is what I live in. I don’t sleep. I
don’t laugh. I don’t enjoy anything I once did. Nothing seems to hold my interest or my attention. I’m so badly
hurt it’s not even funny because I ache all the time, my heart just feels broken. I feel there is no love in my life. I
feel that all that matters is what makes everyone else happy. Not one person, ever stops to see how I am doing,
how I feel, what I may need, what I want, what I desire. It’s never about me. Story of my life, serve everyone else
and you’ll be just fi ne. Maybe even in time, they’ll see you as a real person, who has hopes, and dreams. Maybe
then you can be accepted, and loved for the person you are not what you can do for them. Until that time, it wont
happen. So toughen up, suck it in, push it all deep inside your heart, forget the pain, forget it happened to you,
forget you didn’t want to do something, forget everything about how lousy it makes you feel. Just do it, get it over
with, be polite, grin, and act the part even though inside you’re crying about how unfair life is, how wrong it is
that no one seems to give a damn about you.
I resent the promises in “I’ll Be Th ere For You.” I don’t need anyone. It’s just been me and myself for too many
years. . I’ll make it own my own. It’s always been that way. I am not weak. I’m strong, I am a rock. I feel no pain. I
feel nothing. I will not ever trust again. I will not let anyone in.
I am not meant to be loved or to have love and joy in my life. I must sacrifi ce all of that to make sure that I am
what everyone else needs. Who am I to complain, who am I to wish, hope, desire, want for things I cannot have?
Haven’t you learned by now, “No one wants you,. I’ve seen to it that you were used and degraded beyond anyone
worthwhile ever wanting you little bitch.
As I sit here completely alone with tears running down my face, I wonder, why it had to happen to me. What
is it about me that caused everyone to turn their backs on me? To make them all believe this didn’t happen.
Th at I could make it up. If it did not happen, why do I see it like an old movie, like it happened yesterday when
Page 33
these damn nightmares come back. I don’t want to remember any more. I was far happier being in the dark,
and not knowing he abused me sexually. Now I feel like I’m dirty, I’m a hoar, a slut, who is not worthy of ever
being loved, not ever worthy of being happy, and deserves the bad stuff that has happened in my life. I’m so
very raw and these damn things are beyond my control I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid
of everything. Because I’m this freak who was abused so badly by her entire family that it doesn’t matter, I’m
suff ering as an adult. It doesn’t matter now that no one believes me. Th at no one sees what I have become. I’m
fragment of the person I used to be. I’m a failure, a loser, with no friends, no love, and no money or anything to
prove I’ve done anything worthwhile during my life. It just goes to show, being good gets you nowhere, being bad
only got me beat. Being nice gets me taken advantage of, and doing what I’m told means I’m the scapegoat. I live
each day and never knowing when he’s going to go off again, when he’s going to yell, or when he fi nally looses
control and hits me. Perhaps then people will believe me when I say he’s mean, abusive towards me. I cry so
rarely and now I cry myself to sleep because I know once the exhaustion over comes me the nightmare will begin
again. More fragments and scenes I don’t want to remember will be unfolding in my head as I close my eyes I
see them starting. I’m tired of being alone and having to hide this burden. Even the freak that I am married to is
unaware that I was sexually abused as a child. I deal with these things by myself. My own mother says it’s in my
head and it did not happen. I don’t remember any therapist aft er she left my step father. I don’t remember any
therapy at all. I know I sought therapy aft er my grandfather but not until 1998. I at that time didn’t even know
my step father had abused me.
I’m off to bed.
Signing off .
Annie
Aug. 5, 2004
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